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The Day My life Ended
Worn-out, tired, exhausted, and hopeless filled with fear , were just a few of the
words that would describe the way I felt the night I decided to use Chrystal Meth.
Divorce is a living hell for everyone involved. I can tell you for certain that even in the
best divorce there are no winners. 66% of all marriages end up in divorce in our country.
In a marriage kids are born out of love to unify the husband and wife. In a divorce the
children become weapons of mass destruction and judges decide who get the kids and for
what length of time. In a marriage people have children and don’t count the cost. In a
divorce every penny is weighed every item priced and the kids are assigned dollar igures.
Regrets, we all have them what if I only did this. What if I never did this. The one
thing I learned about marriage the first time around is nobody actually knows anything
until they are right smack in the one they have. It is a beautiful example of baptism by
fire. There are mistakes made that cause divorce then the mistakes made
during the divorce. It too is something that nobody can speak to another about till they go
through it themselves and like marriage non of them are the exact same. I remember
sitting alone on some grass in a park asking God to kill me and take me off this planet the
day I got news my divorce was immanent. I remember the words clear as a bell, “David I
met someone two weeks ago , I love him and I am going to spend the rest of my life with
him.” My heart was ripped out of my chest and it was in her hands pumping like a Bruce
Lee movie. I was by far not a great husband but I loved my wife. There was not one fiber
of being in my life that did not love her and crave her. I made a ton of mistakes that led
up to this decision that she made to have an affair. I am not letting her off the hook for er
choices but lets face it there were some things that turned out real ugly that might have
contributed to her looking elsewhere for her identity, security and love. For her on that
day it was a new beginning. For me hell and torment were just beginning.
It was the summer of 2005. Sunny slope in a halfway house, or a biker flop house.
The environment of the house was extremely drug friendly. There was somebody
everyday there buying and using drugs. Fast Eddie was the house manager. He told me
the day I moved , he said,” Don’t get the cops called that’s the only rule, other then that I
have no rules.” I cannot believe I still I stayed. I did not plan on being there long .One
month turned into two . Two months turned into three. Before I knew it I was there 5
months. Over time I began to notice the people in the house seemed to not have a care in
the world. Every day the mad scramble was only for where were they going to come up
with 40 bucks between them to get high. And the cares of my world were crashing all
around me. I actually envied them. It was common to be walking through the house and
be offered meth. Sometimes there would be 10-15 people in the house all with their eyes
bugged out, and nose running talking fast. There was Porn on every tv and people
discussed things like masturbation very freely.
On this particular evening I was really down. There were nightmares that were
creeping into my daily routine. My work performance was suffering, and honestly I was
just tired of being depressed and wanted to experience some happiness. A guy in the
house came in my room and poured out what looked like an awe full lot of stuff. My
mirror was off my wall and was taking up my whole bed. His hands were extremely
sweaty his hair was greasy greasy and his voice was cracking while he spoke to me. It was obvious to me he was already high. I remember thinking while he crushed the dope on the mirror and created four lines that I hoped and prayed I would not end up like him.
Unshowerd unshaved dirty and with a ton of involuntary body movements. He herked and jerked and twitched his neck and would not stop chewing his bottom lip.
Looking back at the situation there was no passion there was no natural draw there was no craving. I for all intensive purposes did not care if I got high or did not get high. I did not care for the ability my roommates had of not caring about hygiene or missing teeth. I viewed myself as very strong minded. I had overcome a lot already in life. Being hit by a car, molested, being kicked out of my parents house at 15 and forced out on my own, alcoholism and a failed business. Now this divorce too. I had kind of wrapped myself into a victims mentality where things just kept happening to me in my mind but I was able to overcome them. This also gave me the false confidence that I was going to be able to manage the use or lack of use of meth, BECAUSE I WAS DIFFERETNT. Those were the words that I went into this moment in time saying to myself. I AM DIFFERENT. I grew up around drugs. I watched my father waist his life with a straw in his nose. I watched completely straight men grow boobs and dress like women and become actual prostitutes to get dope. The environment of my childhood was not much different then this house. That is probably why I felt so comfortable there.
“It’s your turn superman“. “Batter up.” I can imagine those words being said by
the devil as I put the straw to my nose. The edges were sharp and it cut me as I put it in
my nose. I placed my finger on one side of my nose the straw in the other and took a deep
breath through the straw. I watched the meth disappear rapidly Then I felt the most
excruciating pain and burn I have ever felt in my life. It was like somebody took a lit
match and stuffed it up nose and walked off, and the fire would not be put out. I instantly
had tears just running from my eyes. I looked up and this guy was laughing his ass off at
me. He screamed,” YES !!!!!” Over and over again. Still I felt nothing and thought what
a joke. But within seconds my body began to get hot. I am not talking about a hot like a
summers day but hot like WOW I need an ice bath. I could feel the hair on my body as if
it were growing. The air conditioner was on and the breeze was an incredible feeling not
because it was cool but it brought a sensation over my body that was intense. My mind
was racing I could not focus. I said to the guy. I need you to go now. Then I proceeded to
talk to him for the next hour without taking a breath.
I was alone in my room high as akite for the first time I blinked it was 2 am I
blinked again and it was 815. I was supposed to be at work at 830. What would I do?
Everyone would know I was high . I would get fired if I went to work like this. I know, I
will call in sick. I have never missed a day of work and nobody will suspect anything . I
will spend the day coming down and go to work tomorrow. On that day my life ended I
never returned to work. A month later I was living homeless eating in food lines. I had
taken a two yr hiatus from life. And the only thing that anyone could count of from me was that at some point in time I was going to get high during the day. My problems oh
yea those. I escaped them. Without conscience at first. But when I returned to life there
they were. Child support now 20,000 in the hole ..unpaid fines. I weighed 100 pounds
barely and the voices and nightmares that I once heard while sleeping found there way I
into my life regardless. That was the worst day of my life. On that day my life ended.
Our lives are about consequences and rewards and those are constructed by our
personal choices. I am so glad to say the story of my life did not end there. Yes it is true
that I spent 2,5 yrs as a homeless man. I have eaten out of dumpsters. I have bathed in
toilets. I have spent nights inside the theaters of adult bookstores just to stay warm and
safe. My life on drugs was a huge disaster but one that today I am so glad I have
experienced on many levels. On May 17th 2007 I gave my life to Jesus Christ and I made the right choice for the first time in my life to get help with my problems instead of trying to solve it alone. I entered the Phoenix Dreamcenter. That is where my healing began. I would like to share with you that it is not necessary for you to have to go through what I went through to appreciate your life you don’t ever have to do drugs not even once. A good friend once told me that wisdom is not just knowledge applied it is also knowledge learned through the experiences of others. My road to recovery has been very difficult laced with relapse and craving. Sometimes I wake up at night and just feel so guilty or ashamed. These are the long-term consequences of my using drugs just once, but I will tell you this I would not trade anything in the world for what I have today. I am married to an amazing woman who loves me and accepts me just the way I am. All screwed up at times . I have a support system of the worlds greatest friends. Yes!!!!
For me it’s all about hope and faith, and where I put it. It is never about me. Life
is surely going to kick me in the pants again someday. That is apart of living. And I am
sure going to make some mistakes and let some people down. That too is apart of living.
The point is I am living and I can’t expect to do great things and have great success if I
am not willing to endure the parts of life that are ugly. The next most important thing I
have in my life today is a vision. A proverb says where there is no vision people parish.
Today I have vision. I have direction . I have goals and they are healthy goals and God
has placed me with the most amazing people to share those dreams and goals with. So
for me today I keep it simple. Have and love great friends. Have extreme faith that is odd
to others. And lastly for me to stay successful at staying off of drugs I have to have vision
and people to share it with. God bless.
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