Daddy Sees Al

Daddy Sees All

A story about redemption and love

Introduction:

Sometimes if I close my eyes I am in a room and all I can smell is the raw flame and butane mixed with brillo and crack cocaine. I never got into it much but I know it all too well it has been a constant fixture in or around my life ever since I can remember. There are other smells in the room once you get used to it. The scent of illicit sex, fornication, prostitution, pimpin and pandering, the smells of dried up lubrication stuck to the bottom of my shoes. If I stay there long enough I will smell the scent of violence, brutality, assaults with no cause rhyme or reason just pain being inflicted and blood being spilled. I can hear the cries of children who have been left for dead, mothers and wives who have been thrown away like three day old garbage with no draw string...just everywhere...I definitely hear gun shots , but the most chilling sound I hear is the sound of the fist hitting the flesh square on. Pure hatred. Even as I write this tears still form in my eyes over this room…you see I once was trapped inside this room with no way out. Stuck on stupid froze like an ice burg . Oh many people tried to unlock the door to get me out only to intern get trapped themselves .  Daddy sees all . Daddy sees all . Daddy sees all. It will be ok . Are the words etched into the wall . Everywhere I look I see these words . Daddy sees all. It will be Ok.  The walls in this room are black . And it’s been painted over and over again to hide the words. But in just the right light the words show forth bigger and bigger.  There is holes everywhere in the room little holes big holes . Some where natural crevices that turned into large caverns over time and wear and tear . Then some were violently deliberately placed there . The torn dry wall that only a true crafts man or carpenter can fix. Daddy sees all. It will be Ok.

Letting go of this past is sometimes hard to do. Because as sick as it sounds there was a sense of comfort there in that room. There was a consistency in the chaos . We (all who have lived in the room) knew what to expect from the things in the room . From the drugs to the porn . From the whiskey to the rage.  I learned how to deal with hangovers comedowns . To an outsider looking in that room should not be hard to leave behind but for a guy like me it was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. See I had found a place where nobody could hurt me . No wife could leave me . No mother could tell me I would not amount to anything. No father could abandon me . And no cousin would molest me . In total isolation I became a man with no job to quit. No bills to pay. No children to take care of .(though they never left my mind ever). No wife to answer to. And no religious rules to follow. Complete isolation . Nobody could hurt me . And I could no longer hurt them. There was a moment in time in that room . I thought I was free but what I entered into was complete bondage.I think it was when the first time I ever saw my own blood get sucked into a syringe and I knew I hit the vein and I watched it mix with the drugs and I pushed it back into my body . There was nothing more exhilarating . It was completely erotic.  My mother could have been sitting next to me . My kids could have been calling my name . Nothing mattered I would not have cared. I had become numb to pain and dead to societies problems. More importantly I had escaped my own. I had found a place of complete isolation .

The noises if I could only have kept the noises from getting in. Kids on a playground. Then there were the cries of pain I would here from a woman every time I would watch porn. Man it was annoying at first. Then just freaking sick and weird. Where is the woman . Who is she . Why is she crying . DADDY SEES ALL. I wondered what does that mean. IT WILL BE OK.  To the person who has not experienced insanity on this level. The message is clear don’t ever do drugs not even one time for fun. There is no escape that is equal to the price you pay for the time away. Stand up face your problems today. Forgive who you need to forgive now . Move on in peace and love today. To the man or woman who has experienced this insanity and still won’t let go…Who is in that room. You can get out . The door is not locked. No pain can hold you. No crime can keep you. You are loved and if nobody on this planet gets it I do.  I want you to know DADDY SEES ALL. IT WILL BE OK.