The Writing on the Wall

The Writing On The Wall

Getting hooked on dope was easy. It only took one time. One moment. One escape. One feeling. Getting sober was just as easy. It only took one decision. One moment. One step.  Staying clean is another story.  It takes every breath every decision every moment. All my energy and finaly I see the writing on the wall I cant do it alone.

Do you know why roach motels are so effective at killing cockroaches. Not because the roaches die instantly because they don’t but because the poisen that kills them is so darn satisfying to the roach. They get high. They get hooked and they can’t leave. They begin eating the very thing that is killing them and they enjoy every second of their death.  I liken meth addiction coke addiction heroin addiction porn addiction alchohol and self addiction to just that.  Its not the desire to live we lack it’s the strength to stay alive.  We can’t do this on our own.  I know from first hand experience I need to draw from the strength of others who have been there and left. And stayed gone.

I did a search recently on google to find a celebrate recovery group in Phoenix to attend. Nothing not one website not one publication no blog no calendar. Not one thing. AA NA and CMA all secular recovery groups who for all their good and intentions are basically new age in philosophy (the concept of anything being your higher power) are all over the web.  It was extremely frustrating to me. I even decided I would go to Amazon and find the celebrate recovery work book…I found a lot of stuff but nothing clearly marked and the descriptions were vague at best. My wife and I drove to the local Christian Bookstore searching for this workbook  I know exists because I was given one 3 yrs ago never used it and gave it away but just the same. Nothing no dice. Not even at the Christian bookstore filled with self help books ….every preacher in the US has a book on manhood….diet books ….books on prosperity and how to be filled with the Holy Spirit. books on tithing and yet the single most important topic that all Christians actually need because we all have bad habits aka addictions, is not there. It made me ask my self why? Why is this book or ones like it if they exist not on the front of every bookshelf. Simple. The answer is because it won’t make money? Why? Because only people desperate for recovery and health would actually buy it. The very fact I am writing about this is a red flag to most that I must have relapsed. The very fact I was looking for a meeting after yrs of trying this the TBN way is an admission by proxy.

I can’t and won’t suffer in silence when my healing and recovery depend on my mouth asking for help.  I eventually found a meeting. I eventually will get a book. And I am convinced even though salvation occurred all at once that there are somethings that God allows us to endure to display his strength. It costs something. It did not come cheap. It took a life.

Things were going smooth. My marriage was and is intact. My job going well. Everything just humming along. Then bam out of the blue the preverbal stuff hit the fan. And all of my shortcomings started being displayed on the front page of the David times. Not that anyone actually cares most rational stable people are too concerned with their own to worry about mine. But it took a tole on me. Things got said. Things were done. And what I do is not to be scapegoat on anything but my mind had already taken a trip back to Egypt and dammit it was good. So mentally I stayed. Then I went there in the flesh.

Sitting in the mental ward of the hospital after drug induced psychosis finally ended I realized. I have nobody to talk to about this stuff. I don’t know of anyone in the Church I attend who is going through this or has gone through this. Well I do but honestly I can’t stand fake spirituality and phony catchphrases so I tend to veer away from them.  And I am not possessed with daemons’ so the guy who is compassionate but always likes to cast out daemons’ and lay hands on you (this goes on all the time) is not a good source for encouragement.  Sorry I got to vent this but most of us Christians need to stop watching TV church and me included need to read the only self help book that works (the bible). Nothing against other books Matthew Barnett wrote a great book. Edwin Louis Cole wrote a series of great books. There are great authors but none of these people ever intended their books to be read more then HIS book. Yet we have this happening. What spawns from this is guys like my one friend who over spiritualize things and categorize you as demon possessed and due to the fact they don’t read the bible and just listen to other people talk about it they freak people out or turn them off. The Holy Ghost and the devil can’t dwell or live in the same house.

Back to my hospital situation….what do I do. Well therapy and counseling right off the jump are number1. And to find someone to share my experience and yes my reoccurring cravings with are a must.  I will eventually get to a place in life where the cravings will go away. I will eventually find my stride in recovery that is not based on emotion or how other people receive me. I am an approval junky. I can’t stand rejection.  I am not good with confrontation…not even as a Christian have I seen confrontation modeled correctly. people get offended people withhold forgiveness and when they give it its on their terms not Gods. And we in the Church are horrible at loving each other…We preach come as you are and are great at loving people into the body but as soon as we get them we condemn them right back out.  I think we weigh sin so horribly. My sin is not as bad as your sin. Your sin is gross. My sin is socially acceptable. This goes back at a lack of Gods word not just being read but in our hearts.

I am on a mission but this mission is not to change the world today. Its to change David today. To become the best me I can become. All the things that are outside of me are not mine to change. DADDY SEES ALL it will be ok.

This may or may not be my last entry. I need to take some time to get things straightened out with me. If you have read any of my writings and have been blessed by them share them. I never wrote anything for a self promotion or for profit. I was just trying to find my place in the body and be used there.  Emphasis on the word trying. By trying I was wrong. A hand doesn’t have to try to be a hand it just is. All it has to do is be itself.  So after all this time 3.5 yrs of trying. I realize I still don’t know myself.  Where do I fit in in the body. What part of the body do I belong to. Now from now on I am done trying. I am going to give something a shot. I am going to just be myself. I am going to just find me and be me.  Daddy Sees All …was words I thought were etched on a wall one time…now I know they were words etched into my heart. Daddy Sees all changed my perspective of God. Daddy wants us to know that he loves us despite all that He sees. He sees our sins but he sees our hurts too. He sees All.