Porno the Destroyer

Porn What Is It For Anyways?

This topic is very sensitive and honestly there is now way one can actually talk about this in the light that it needs to be without first warning. this entry is not for children nor most woman. I say most because honestly lets face it statistically speaking PORN is not just a man thing anymore. Before we get into the psycho babel about what it does to the brain and how it can cause sexual dysfunction I first want to share with you some of my story something about me even in this topic you may not know.

I can’t remember exactly when I saw my first naked image. That’s the truth I think I was like 3 or 4. I was being babysat by someone I won’t name out of respect. But this person put me in his bedroom and underneath his bed was a whole stack of dirty magazines. Now as a 3 yr old I had no clue what I was looking at. But for some reason I remember it like it was yesterday. There was something traumatic happening to my brain at that very moment. Seeds were being planted. From that point on I would not say I ever went looking for pornography at least not at that age. but it was there and every time I was being watched by this particular person I would go in the room and scope out the pictures. I don’t even remember what my opinion of them were what my impressions were at the time. I do believe I must have been fascinated though. Why because I can describe to this day the exact contents of the room I was in. It was a messy room with a bed that was deshefled that had one of those old quilts that had patches sewn into it. Cloths were everywhere and there was a stench in the room like a body Oder. The dresser was brown and not made of real wood and it had tons of stuff on it papers everywhere. I was three yrs old maybe four at the time and I remember all this about the room not because the room was remarkable but because Something happened to me in that room. I believe God helped me retain that memory so one day like today I could look back and say it happened then.

When I was 3 or 4 the raiders were unbeatable on Monday night football my favorite show was the incredible hulk. I had a red tricycle that had a horn on it. My grandfather took me to true value and let me pick it out. I wore overalls because I had a fascination with trains and would imagine I was a conductor. My hair was bleach blond and I went to preschool. On Saturdays I would sleep over at Ginnies.  Not sure why exactly other then she lived right across the street from My Grandparents and had a piano that I liked to pretend I could play. When I would wake up I would rush over to my grandmothers because like clockwork she made cinnamon roles every single weekend for Sunday breakfast. And let me tell you I had some sweet tooth. I was for all intensive purposes the happiest kid alive right then and there. I am telling you this because I was just like any other kid today at three. I was just like any other kid anytime at three. I was normal. I did not have any dreams yet of being anything special nor did I ever think I would not.

So what happened ? Well honestly I don’t know. Gradually I do know over time a transition was taking place. I eventually knew were all the hiding spots of every house were. At first I don’t think anyone thought too much of it because I was so small. They might have even laughed about it. But that original seed was being watered and fed. And just like a seed you plant outside of a tree. You don’t see it underground germinating growing but over time little roots form and it begins to take hold of the soil and sprout up.

As a young teen I still had no clue what porn addiction was. I was in school and it was almost like they promoted masturbation and pornography watching. All my friends had videos and we would laugh and joke about them in class ..Sex education at least back then even talked about masturbation and how normal it was. I remember my teacher my freshman year of high school he said there are only two types of men in this world those who do it and those who admit to it. Basically he said we all masturbate. So I had now no guilt for the porn and no guilt for the masturbation and the acting out that came with it. Looking back it was these formative yrs that two things at one time were being destroyed. #1 My image of a woman was tarnished. Woman became sex objects nothing more nothing less. Remember I still did not have my mother in my life to do the most important thing there is a mother can do for a boy and that is show him what a woman is supposed to be like.  #2 the second thing this period of time did to my life that was very damaging was it took my normal curious thoughts that probably every young adolescent boy has and it shoved them on a magazine or video and I began to have fantasy about things then pushing my boundaries out that are not normal. that young boys should not be thinking about…what this did was set my life up for huge disappointment because the expectations those images created were impossible to achieve. I did not realize at the time because I could not see past my own nose. But those images were contrived. Sure they were of real people and of real sexual acts but they were unrealistic in that nobody not even the men in the pics were receiving any pleasure. but in my mind I believed that is was sex was supposed to be.

My fascination got very expensive…I had been digging into my fathers collection of porn and in the back of the magazines there were these adds. You could call and listen to free samples of people having what they advertised as actual sex. And at first I would. I even believed that the girl in the add was the girl lol. How naive. But this was eventually not good enough and like everything else once you build up a tolerance you have to pursue the next level. So I called just one 900 number. Ok I confess I called every single 900 number in the magazine. Man I was kid in a candy store with no supervision. dial dial dial all night all day. I went to school got home from school and dialed stayed up all night dialed I had what I thought was a great thing going. Then the phone bill came…that ended that. Lol. The phone got shut off. But honestly there wasn’t any real consequence. My dad was very angry but I don’t remember him punishing me for that or sitting me down and telling me anything constructive.. I do remember him being very angry for like a day or two.

As man entering into the world. My behavior in this area of my life had become very degenerative. Norfolk Va. The United States Navy…I was on a mission. I was so sick of porn and the behavior that it came with that I set out to sleep with as many woman as I could. I worked with one girl ….I had a favorite prostitute…and I lived with my fiancé…and I set out to on the same day in the same bed have sex with all three of them without them knowing ….I look back and this is not a war story to me. reading it you might say to your self bull crap hes making this up…no truthfully this really happened. I did that.

I had no problem paying for a prostitute and I did every payday. I would hang out in strip clubs and took on the challenge of trying to sleep with strippers without tipping at the bar..sex had become a game like some people play Nintendo or Xbox I was amused with sexual conquest. And the only way I found fulfillment was to brag and always have a witness to verify and say yep he did that. I was sewer walking around in a mans body.

Skip Skip Skip 2005 I am now living in an adult bookstore. I have accomplished nothing in my life whatsoever that is worth even mentioning as valuable. My whole life has been driven by sexual conquest and sexual ambition…my mind is completely warped and now I am mixing Chrystal Meth with my porn which is definitely intensifying and solidifying my place in society and I actually like it. I don’t care.

What took place in my life from the time I was 3 or 4 till that moment in the bookstore was crazy. But honestly the worst thing that Porn took from me was real relationship. I had no real friends. I had no identity ..I did not know who I was. I had gotten married had three children and left them. Intimacy not just sexually but spiritually even with people I love with my whole heart like my kids was impossible. I had no foundation as a man nothing to draw from. My whole life from 3 to the time I was 33 when I got saved I lived completely and utterly alone. Something broke inside me. Even in writing this I can’t place a finger on what ..but we do know when ….The long-term effects of porn on the brain are one thing what porn does to the soul of a person is completely another. Talking about this is difficult because it’s the pink elephant in the room type of thing ..statistically speaking and these statistics are hard to ignore but 85% of all households own some kind of porn. Its free on the internet now. Craigslist allows people to advertise …there is newspaper stands outside any circle k by the curb that will for 50cents with no ID allow anyone to purchase a swinger magazine that has all kinds of escorts and I mean all kinds.

This is destroying our culture and robbing our youth of their innocents. I have been fighting this fight now for three yrs. I have been seeking healing. I have great support system my wife is the most amazing wife in the world she loves me so unconditionally. But I would be lying to you today if I said that it doesn’t effect me still. I am 35 I was 3 that is a long time …

The battle began in the garden ..not when I turned 3. It began way before me and will be around long after me. It began when God said to Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply.  It was Gods first command to a married couple. It is an attack on Gods design for relationship between men and women. Its an attack on women’s Identity also because if you look around in your city most woman are portrayed as sex objects even one weather woman on a local tv station dresses so provocatively I cant watch her channel. These young ladies don’t stand a chance from magazine covers to manikins at a mall they are being told their worth and identity is in their sexuality. And boys don’t need coaching just a suggestion and they buy into it.  This is a direct attack on the words God spoke to Adam and Eve in the Garden….its 100% spiritual.

The consequences of my lifes choices are still being levied today. I have spent my whole life in sexual crisis. Now normalcy is very difficult because I actually struggle to have a sex drive. And that makes me sad. What are we men supposed to do those of us who have been damaged in this way. Well look there are no self help books. We don’t need awareness or support groups…and please lets not start a ministry about it…but we can fight. We can begin to stand on the Word of God that says we are all subject to the same temptations but With each temptation God is faithful to provide a way of escape……..

There is nothing macho about that right. Way of escape. Some times the best response to a situation is to just run. Its not our fight. But we can begin to purify our homes. Let our daughters see us honor their mother let our daughters hear us tell them how valuable they are. I have a 13 yr she is so gifted and amazing I am fighting today for her so she knows her worth.  I have four boys one is 18 now the other three are still young. But I am fighting for them today so the seeds that were planted in my life at such early yrs don’t ever get planted in theirs.  Now together as men we can fight for us. We can get back the yrs the canker worm stole. God can cleanse our minds. We can become whole men again. Not just men fractured in different spots where the enemy has taken chunks out of us. But we have to get honest today. Our lives and our children’s lives are at stake…this curse stops here and the blessings start now!!!! In the Name of Jesus!!!!