Porno the Destroyer

Porn What Is It For Anyways?

This topic is very sensitive and honestly there is now way one can actually talk about this in the light that it needs to be without first warning. this entry is not for children nor most woman. I say most because honestly lets face it statistically speaking PORN is not just a man thing anymore. Before we get into the psycho babel about what it does to the brain and how it can cause sexual dysfunction I first want to share with you some of my story something about me even in this topic you may not know.

I can’t remember exactly when I saw my first naked image. That’s the truth I think I was like 3 or 4. I was being babysat by someone I won’t name out of respect. But this person put me in his bedroom and underneath his bed was a whole stack of dirty magazines. Now as a 3 yr old I had no clue what I was looking at. But for some reason I remember it like it was yesterday. There was something traumatic happening to my brain at that very moment. Seeds were being planted. From that point on I would not say I ever went looking for pornography at least not at that age. but it was there and every time I was being watched by this particular person I would go in the room and scope out the pictures. I don’t even remember what my opinion of them were what my impressions were at the time. I do believe I must have been fascinated though. Why because I can describe to this day the exact contents of the room I was in. It was a messy room with a bed that was deshefled that had one of those old quilts that had patches sewn into it. Cloths were everywhere and there was a stench in the room like a body Oder. The dresser was brown and not made of real wood and it had tons of stuff on it papers everywhere. I was three yrs old maybe four at the time and I remember all this about the room not because the room was remarkable but because Something happened to me in that room. I believe God helped me retain that memory so one day like today I could look back and say it happened then.

When I was 3 or 4 the raiders were unbeatable on Monday night football my favorite show was the incredible hulk. I had a red tricycle that had a horn on it. My grandfather took me to true value and let me pick it out. I wore overalls because I had a fascination with trains and would imagine I was a conductor. My hair was bleach blond and I went to preschool. On Saturdays I would sleep over at Ginnies.  Not sure why exactly other then she lived right across the street from My Grandparents and had a piano that I liked to pretend I could play. When I would wake up I would rush over to my grandmothers because like clockwork she made cinnamon roles every single weekend for Sunday breakfast. And let me tell you I had some sweet tooth. I was for all intensive purposes the happiest kid alive right then and there. I am telling you this because I was just like any other kid today at three. I was just like any other kid anytime at three. I was normal. I did not have any dreams yet of being anything special nor did I ever think I would not.

So what happened ? Well honestly I don’t know. Gradually I do know over time a transition was taking place. I eventually knew were all the hiding spots of every house were. At first I don’t think anyone thought too much of it because I was so small. They might have even laughed about it. But that original seed was being watered and fed. And just like a seed you plant outside of a tree. You don’t see it underground germinating growing but over time little roots form and it begins to take hold of the soil and sprout up.

As a young teen I still had no clue what porn addiction was. I was in school and it was almost like they promoted masturbation and pornography watching. All my friends had videos and we would laugh and joke about them in class ..Sex education at least back then even talked about masturbation and how normal it was. I remember my teacher my freshman year of high school he said there are only two types of men in this world those who do it and those who admit to it. Basically he said we all masturbate. So I had now no guilt for the porn and no guilt for the masturbation and the acting out that came with it. Looking back it was these formative yrs that two things at one time were being destroyed. #1 My image of a woman was tarnished. Woman became sex objects nothing more nothing less. Remember I still did not have my mother in my life to do the most important thing there is a mother can do for a boy and that is show him what a woman is supposed to be like.  #2 the second thing this period of time did to my life that was very damaging was it took my normal curious thoughts that probably every young adolescent boy has and it shoved them on a magazine or video and I began to have fantasy about things then pushing my boundaries out that are not normal. that young boys should not be thinking about…what this did was set my life up for huge disappointment because the expectations those images created were impossible to achieve. I did not realize at the time because I could not see past my own nose. But those images were contrived. Sure they were of real people and of real sexual acts but they were unrealistic in that nobody not even the men in the pics were receiving any pleasure. but in my mind I believed that is was sex was supposed to be.

My fascination got very expensive…I had been digging into my fathers collection of porn and in the back of the magazines there were these adds. You could call and listen to free samples of people having what they advertised as actual sex. And at first I would. I even believed that the girl in the add was the girl lol. How naive. But this was eventually not good enough and like everything else once you build up a tolerance you have to pursue the next level. So I called just one 900 number. Ok I confess I called every single 900 number in the magazine. Man I was kid in a candy store with no supervision. dial dial dial all night all day. I went to school got home from school and dialed stayed up all night dialed I had what I thought was a great thing going. Then the phone bill came…that ended that. Lol. The phone got shut off. But honestly there wasn’t any real consequence. My dad was very angry but I don’t remember him punishing me for that or sitting me down and telling me anything constructive.. I do remember him being very angry for like a day or two.

As man entering into the world. My behavior in this area of my life had become very degenerative. Norfolk Va. The United States Navy…I was on a mission. I was so sick of porn and the behavior that it came with that I set out to sleep with as many woman as I could. I worked with one girl ….I had a favorite prostitute…and I lived with my fiancé…and I set out to on the same day in the same bed have sex with all three of them without them knowing ….I look back and this is not a war story to me. reading it you might say to your self bull crap hes making this up…no truthfully this really happened. I did that.

I had no problem paying for a prostitute and I did every payday. I would hang out in strip clubs and took on the challenge of trying to sleep with strippers without tipping at the bar..sex had become a game like some people play Nintendo or Xbox I was amused with sexual conquest. And the only way I found fulfillment was to brag and always have a witness to verify and say yep he did that. I was sewer walking around in a mans body.

Skip Skip Skip 2005 I am now living in an adult bookstore. I have accomplished nothing in my life whatsoever that is worth even mentioning as valuable. My whole life has been driven by sexual conquest and sexual ambition…my mind is completely warped and now I am mixing Chrystal Meth with my porn which is definitely intensifying and solidifying my place in society and I actually like it. I don’t care.

What took place in my life from the time I was 3 or 4 till that moment in the bookstore was crazy. But honestly the worst thing that Porn took from me was real relationship. I had no real friends. I had no identity ..I did not know who I was. I had gotten married had three children and left them. Intimacy not just sexually but spiritually even with people I love with my whole heart like my kids was impossible. I had no foundation as a man nothing to draw from. My whole life from 3 to the time I was 33 when I got saved I lived completely and utterly alone. Something broke inside me. Even in writing this I can’t place a finger on what ..but we do know when ….The long-term effects of porn on the brain are one thing what porn does to the soul of a person is completely another. Talking about this is difficult because it’s the pink elephant in the room type of thing ..statistically speaking and these statistics are hard to ignore but 85% of all households own some kind of porn. Its free on the internet now. Craigslist allows people to advertise …there is newspaper stands outside any circle k by the curb that will for 50cents with no ID allow anyone to purchase a swinger magazine that has all kinds of escorts and I mean all kinds.

This is destroying our culture and robbing our youth of their innocents. I have been fighting this fight now for three yrs. I have been seeking healing. I have great support system my wife is the most amazing wife in the world she loves me so unconditionally. But I would be lying to you today if I said that it doesn’t effect me still. I am 35 I was 3 that is a long time …

The battle began in the garden ..not when I turned 3. It began way before me and will be around long after me. It began when God said to Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply.  It was Gods first command to a married couple. It is an attack on Gods design for relationship between men and women. Its an attack on women’s Identity also because if you look around in your city most woman are portrayed as sex objects even one weather woman on a local tv station dresses so provocatively I cant watch her channel. These young ladies don’t stand a chance from magazine covers to manikins at a mall they are being told their worth and identity is in their sexuality. And boys don’t need coaching just a suggestion and they buy into it.  This is a direct attack on the words God spoke to Adam and Eve in the Garden….its 100% spiritual.

The consequences of my lifes choices are still being levied today. I have spent my whole life in sexual crisis. Now normalcy is very difficult because I actually struggle to have a sex drive. And that makes me sad. What are we men supposed to do those of us who have been damaged in this way. Well look there are no self help books. We don’t need awareness or support groups…and please lets not start a ministry about it…but we can fight. We can begin to stand on the Word of God that says we are all subject to the same temptations but With each temptation God is faithful to provide a way of escape……..

There is nothing macho about that right. Way of escape. Some times the best response to a situation is to just run. Its not our fight. But we can begin to purify our homes. Let our daughters see us honor their mother let our daughters hear us tell them how valuable they are. I have a 13 yr she is so gifted and amazing I am fighting today for her so she knows her worth.  I have four boys one is 18 now the other three are still young. But I am fighting for them today so the seeds that were planted in my life at such early yrs don’t ever get planted in theirs.  Now together as men we can fight for us. We can get back the yrs the canker worm stole. God can cleanse our minds. We can become whole men again. Not just men fractured in different spots where the enemy has taken chunks out of us. But we have to get honest today. Our lives and our children’s lives are at stake…this curse stops here and the blessings start now!!!! In the Name of Jesus!!!!

Easter The Resurrection Day

Easter

One of my biggest complaints about Modern Christianity is how in most cases we are effected by the world instead of being effective in it. A great example of this is in our Holidays. The two main Christian Holidays are Easter and Christmas. Let me start with Christmas and I will be brief. But Christmas is supposed to be the celebration of the birth of Christ. However back in the day in order to get more people in the Church. Someone decided it would be a great idea to compromise and incorporate the Pagans in the worship of the tree and the gifts it brings. Now without dissecting the motivations of the original decision because that would take hours and probably is a book in itself, I would just like to point out where this original compromise has lead us. Today Christmas is nothing even close to the celebration of Christ’s birth and in most Churches even the Tree is the most prominent thing you see going in to the Church and in most homes people in the Church are more faithful at that time of the yr putting presents under it in their house then they are placing money in the offering bucket. To me that is so sad. footnote my Church celebrates Christmas and does so in the biggest way and we even have a tree that people stand in and sing. But we use it as an outreach to win the lost.  I don’t for one second believe people would have tolerated such a drastic departure from the Word of God in their lives if it happened all at once. See the enemy more times then not works in gradual stages so gradual that you won’t notice the difference. But looking back after time we see the effects.

Easter: It is the celebration of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. On this day every yr people from all over our country are getting dressed up in their very best. They are cooking amazing dinners and they are headed out. Little Girls with ribbons in their hair and bows in their dresses. Little boys in their little boys suits. And parents who never go to church on a regular basis are attending some Church somewhere.  Most people still even after today will not completely understand what Easter really is. Ask a friend. Even in the Church.  Ask them ..Here are the responses you will get. Easter eggs and candy and bunnies the kids will respond like that and sadly some parents. (I already ranted about that with Christmas so no need to beat a dead horse)  I believe and listen I haven’t done any polls but I do believe and this is based solely on observation and conversations I have had. But I believe most Christians actually believe that Easter is the celebration of the crucifixion. Even in the subconscious. In the movie the passion of the Christ The Movie is a great depiction of the Crucifixion of Jesus and the hours leading up to it. Probably never before did anyone make such a great movie telling that story. And today all over America people are going to watch that movie. and I say great because it is a great story about the torturous death our savior went through…but what about the third day. its in the movie. But you have to pay close attention its almost a footnote. Why? Because I believe Hollywood which is ran by Satan doesn’t actually want people knowing that Jesus Christ rolled that stone away and rose from the dead and defeated Death. Because that is where the victory truly is. The victory was never in the Crucifixion…History tells us that thousands upon thousands of people were crucified Jesus was just one of many. But the victory was always in the the Resurrection….

This fallacy and misbelief is evident in most Christians lives today including my own in how we walk…how we talk.  We spend so much time talking about the dead stuff and living in the dead that we have become Crucified in life but we are not yet resurrected to a newness of life.

Let me ask you when you share your testimony does it simply leave people feeling sorry for you or does it grip people by the throat and lead them to the Power of Jesus Christ.  Jesus Christ did not suffer what he suffered to have it end there. What makes it so remarkable is that He lived His whole life knowing the end result but chose to walk out His resurrection before it happened. Jesus Christ lived in His resurrection on Earth yet its so simple we miss it. And he did so to give us the Power and authority to do so too….Why?

So we can be effective and have an effect on the world and attract people to Him through an odd and uncommon love. Not so we can be effected by and led by the world.

On this Resurrection day I would like to ask each of you…are you living a resurrected life today. Have you taken your life down from the cross and rolled that stone away. If not its just a decision. The lost and dying world sees being Christian as giving something up…We have showed them so much crucifixion that they don’t see our resurrection…Lets live a resurrected Life.

The Devil Never Takes a Day Off

The Devil Never Takes a Day Off

I am more convinced then ever that the end of days is near. I am not one of these Dooms Day people lets get that clear. I just make this observation because of recent events, From the natural disasters to the wars and atrosisities and crimes against humanity. The severe slip in morality and how people have become numb to it to the point we no longer flinch when a guy says he has had children with three women with one on the way with a fourth. When it doesn’t even make the news at all when 65 million babies have been killed in our country since row v wade.  That’s a whole generation.  Yet when Charlie Sheen smokes a whole 8 balls worth of Crack Cocaine it makes the front page and we laugh and joke about it like its not big deal that’s just Charlie being Charlie.  My heart is saddened by society but most of all its saddened by the influence society has on my own life. Like it or not I am prone to doing all the things in society that I despise about it.

I have been fighting in recovery since May 17 2007 and I can honestly tell you this the devil has never given me a day off.  Every day I wake up in this world of flesh I am hit in the face with the temptation of lust –I can’t even go to the gas station at the corner without being visually assaulted with pornography.  I am also daily in a struggle to not rage out and blow up every good relationship I have because that is my pattern to do so.  There are drugs every where I turn.  Yes even in my neighborhood.  The bottom line is this.  Living for Jesus Christ is a struggle.  Its not easy despite what people here on tv from most those preachers. Despite what the latest Christian self help book says …we know its hard. Shoot it was hard for Christ to be Christ what makes us think it won’t be hard for us?

All these things are going on and I am right smack in the middle of it. I am a committer of these sins not a victim of them.  Shoot I do sin the best. And a lot of the time I don’t need much temptation just a short window of opportunity.  For me this journey is about preventing the situations from escalating to the point where I am being carried away by the thought of sin to the point of action.  Going through occasional cravings like I do. I have learned recently that I don’t just have to endure them I can get offensive on them and take them out. I listen to praise and worship. I get into the word. And I do what I can to be productive right there where I am weather it is get on line and send some encouraging emails to people I know who have struggled recently or sending my testimony to people I know are not saved at all.  The point is if the Devil is not going to Give me a day off Then Jesus Christ is going to kick his tail seven days a week.

Learning to Walk Again After a Fall. ...Get Back Up!!!

The hardest thing to do again after a fall or after you have been hurt is to trust. Trust yourself that you won’t make those decisions again. Trust other people that they won’t do those things that hurt you again.  The question I have for you today is if you can’t believe in yourself then who can you believe in? New age philosophy has worked its way into our church through counseling and book writing and it says that you have to believe in your self first. If you have ever been at a point of total aloneness with no faith in people or you I have news for you. That is exactly where Jesus Christ wants you. It is there that He can begin to build something new in you something permanent. Because believing in me and my abilities landed me in detox seven times after I got into recovery. Believing in me and believing that people won’t hurt me or let me down again actually led me to relapse. Let me be clear I make the choice. but we all have to realize weather your thing is drugs or something else we all turn to that other thing when our faith lets us down. So where is it that you put your faith this morning? Where is it that you build your house and what foundation?

When taking that first step out of the grave back into society, questions run through your head like I wonder who knows? I wonder what people will think? That is residual self centerness that drug addiction brings. See as drug addicts we lived in fear that people were watching us people would catch us being spied on being chased ect. Then when we get high its all about me the feeling the uforia the pleasure the escape all for me…totally self centered.. that same self centered mentality is the first obstacle to walking again after a relapse. The truth is people are not concerned at the levels we think they are. Weather you were in ministry or just attended a Church casually your relapse did not stop the world from turning and cause people to talk nor did it make the front page news. And even  if it did make the news. take for instance that Pastor from Georgia (that description is enough) it was rumored he fell yet he eventually left the news. His church is still standing and his people still attending. We have to realize it is never about us. Never about other people either. When we relapse there is only one that we hurt and that is God. Only one name we discredit that is Jesus.

It is true other people might try to hold you to your fall. Make you walk in shame for a period of time and call it discipline or a period of restoration…those are fancy words for condemnation. Taking your first step out of the tomb of death of drug addiction or what ever your hang up is be thankful that those folks were upfront about their opinion and move on in love with people who love you still and are there for you in a positive way.

The Last thing we need after a fall is to attempt to get back up from a relapse and then end up falling into bitterness and unforgiveness towards people. I have been in that exact spot. I relapsed like I said now seven times. It wasn’t until the seventh time that I realized it does not matter what this person thinks of me when I walk back into the Church. But it’s the condition of my heart that matters most when I get alone with God. People will judge and judge on a scale that we know is not right but let it go. Love them anyways. I am sure there are times when we all have done that very thing to others. Take your fall and turn it into one giant victory story for the Lord. By the way getting defensive and going off or trying to explain only makes us look worse. Be still as my friend Lian Su told me one time. Know that He is Lord and He alone is your redeemer. Sure truth be told there are people who attend Church who are leaders are on that list. Who cares should be your response. God is the discerner of their hearts get concerned for yours. Let God do His work in your life. And allow Him to extend grace to those people.

I spent so much time discussing bitterness and peoples reactions because it’s a huge area of concern. All of us at least who are or have been drug addicts usually are fueled by bitterness and unhealthy conflict. We don’t like being judged we want to be accepted but we need to learn balance with these emotions so that when people who are very human. From the Pastor to the guy or gal next to in line at Wendy’s does or says something messed up to you or about you we don’t get spiraled out of control back to the dope house or booze barn.  I say pastors because we tend to hold them on a pedestal like they don’t sin or gossip or give in to peer pressure. Don’t be fooled by titles and mesmerized by position. People will inevitably let you down regardless of stature. That’s why I spent so much time discussing this. We could probably right a book about this very subject and it would not emphasize the point enough.

The 5 things to do just after a fall

#1 repent. Accept your responsibility – Nobody made us do dope. Nobody put a gun to our heads and said slam this junk into your arm. We did that.  Nobody said smoke this. We did all that.  So accept that don’t blame it on anything. 

#2 forgive yourself right away. Release yourself from the sin because at your point of repentance Christ did too. And it does not matter if it’s your 100^th time. Do it and do it boldly.

#3 get accountability right away. You are not designed to go through recovery alone. Find 1 person who has been where you are and loves you and make them your accountability partner. Not a person who just loves you…that won’t work they have to have been exactly where you have been. They have to know the symptoms and signs and be able to call you on your junk.  Other people despite great intentions won’t notice what I notice or another ex junky notices. It helps to have had like addictions but that in itself isn’t necc. addiction is addiction . A guy or gal in recovery lives in a relapsed state of mind long before they act it out.

#4 Now this is debated from person to person and Church to Church but I believe this some of us (not me yet) but some of us are fortunate enough to experience complete deliverance from all the bondage that came with using drugs and alcohol. I experienced that with alcohol and cigarettes. I quit cold turkey with no withdrawals. But with Meth. I have craved fantasized at times the whole time I have been in recovery. I believe I am healed. But my brain remembers the pleasure of the dope and the euphoria of a high long ago one I have not felt in yrs but have chased ever since. This is a residual effect of using dope. Its not a curse its not a demon, I am not damaged goods and neither are you. But we are in need of honesty not phony spirituality. So definitely keep seeking God for that complete deliverance but until you receive it find a meeting. The meeting will place you in direct contact with people who have experience you can draw from. But the best thing it does is as you heal it places you in direct contact with people who need your help your story and your experience. Give away what you want my pastor says. If you want love give love. If you want compassion be compassionate. If you want healing help someone get there’s. I want healing so I go and I write this blog hoping someone who reads this will be encouraged to keep going. Give it away. Become a funnel of love and compassion to hurting people and watch your healing come. The only time I feel completely at peace and at home is when I am sharing my story. Its there I realize what I was created to do. Share yours. Start here if you choose but begin to share. Meetings are great places to start. Find one.

#5 where ever God put you what ever fellowship you belonged to before the fall you must return to that fellowship. God does not end anything on a negative and He would not author us to leave through shame and embarrassment…that’s not His M.O. go back press in and wait on the Lord. If you were in ministry step back a minute but just a minute regroup just attend clear your head then dive back in. Who cares what anyone thinks you don’t serve them You serve God so my last command is for you to smile and smile big. Because you survived God sustained you and it was for a glorious purpose. Good luck I love you and please drop a line or two from time to time. Lets edify 

The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth

The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth

I have been steaming mad for quite some time. I have been standing on a shoe shine box yelling at the top of my lungs that we need to wake up. And people still don’t get it. Its not the world that needs to wake up. It’s the body of Christ.  Because honestly when people see me even most the time it is not even a close resemblance of Jesus that they see.  And I have some nerve to complain about the ills of society.

When I hear Christians complain about the economy and profess defeat in their lives it gets me so angry…most the time the guy yelling the loudest is doing the best…and he is just mad that when the economy took a dive he had to move from an 8 bedroom mini mansion to a cozy six bedroom house.  We still ain’t left our own yard to see the fact that there are people really hurting.  Oh I hear ya.  I know you took a hit when the bubble busted…but let me ask you guys this. Where do you put your money today…because there are few industries out there that are economy proof infact they bank on the harder it gets the better they do.  Pornography is one. Not one mortgage collapse stopped people from looking at this. And lets be honest guys we’ve all done it.  But this is a classic example of mixing good seed and bad seed in the same soil and we expect God to turn this into a great harvest.  God is not obligated to take your lust offering or my lust offering and turn it into a great anything. The words pressed down shaken and running over do apply. you will reap what you sew. But why is that we as a Church still look.  A yr ago I spoke to a Pastor in the state of Washington. Incidentally I was there getting prayer for my own personal addictions.  He told me that 75 % of the men in his Church struggle with or have struggled with Porn. 75% and that’s the men who are bold enough to seek healing and will admit it. … and his Church is not a church in the hood only ministering to those people….its us people.  Regular people. So the Body of Christ is funding Pornography with the money God gives us and we expect Him to multiply it because we tithe. Tithing is great keep doing it. But your wasting the ten percent if your spending your other 90% in Satins’ Church.

Sampson was a great Prophet he won many battles. He was very strong.  Unbeatable…But he lusted for the very thing he sought to kill.  Men of God we cannot keep patronizing the whore of this world and then say from the stage of a Church that we are against it too.  Where we spend our money and our time when nobody is looking. The guy we default to every time we get a chance. That is exactly who we are.  The mentality and lack of discipline and poor private Character cost Sampson his physical vision. But I will tell you this it cost him much more then his physical sight it cost him his spiritual vision too. The direction He knew God called him to go. The good things he was destined to have. He ended up dead in a rubble.  Sure he took a ton of  evil out in the process but don’t tell me that was Gods divine plan for his life because it Got there through sin and he paid the price.

I met another Pastor of Church here in Phoenix. He told me he loves the Church he grew up in…but that for ten yrs he had girlfriend and he lived with her in sin she was married to a husband who used to abuse her. People danced around the topic with them because he believes he gave six figures a yr to that church. He had a reserved parking spot in the front of the Church and was a leader on the church volunteer staff.  And for 10 yrs nobody called him out yet everyone in the Church new he was living in an adulterous situation. He never knew why, eventually he left. and began attending another Church and eventually he repented and got married to his wife..incidently a different woman then he went to the Moody institute and became a Pastor. God got the victory in this mans life but he is still wounded by the fact that his home church would not confront his sin. When we are bold and confront sin head on in our own lives first then around us were not self righteous were being God righteous. Yet as Christians we live in fear around sin and tip toe through it because we don’t want to lose people from the body of Christ…if telling a man he can’t have sex and live with another mans wife is going to lose him then he was never in the body to begin with. and their not our people to keep or lose they are Gods.

I have people in my life and I love them for this who will not tolerate slackness. They love me but they aren’t going to sit idle by and watch me live with one foot in and one foot out. I praise God for the time I have spent with men like Joe Canales  who doesn’t tolerate luke warm behavior in his life or in the people around him but loves people in it all..

What is the solution? There is an anointing the word of God says and that anointing breaks the yoke…and I think instead of praying for larger congregations and bigger platforms we need to seek God for that anointing so we can break the yoke of sin in our lives and in our Church.  Were not judging people when we confront them in a biblical way and talk to them about their behavior were actually loving them and the people around them.  I praise God for the people in my life who do this with me DR. Snapp  loves me enough to say he sees the place I am trying to get to in life but that I can’t get there by being a habitual relapser.  But loves me through my tough times. The anointing is I believe a Godly love for one another.

Before God will use us the body of Christ to correct a lost and dying world he is going to correct us.  Divorce porn drugs wether pharmaceutical or street greed in our business life excess waist in all areas. these are just some of the things that are riddled in our Churches. When are we going to wake up see the governor can pass laws we can help her write the law she passes if were living the very sin we are fighting we are doing are cause the worst injustice. All sin done in the dark will find its way to the light. …let me hit my face and let God wrecken with me today cause I am about to go to work. I work for a Godless company let me display my faith by how I get my sales today…I don’t have to lie He is my supply. Let me be uncommon with my actions by respecting the people I am around and living uncommon …not by being a crazed right wing fanatic that gets laughed at because of my loud mouth about moral issues…let me God a man who is stricken with every temptation just like every man is rely on your love and strength grace today and be man who sets that example for my kids and my family…let me be stronger today.

Because the vision the love and forgiveness you gave me once is too precious to squander. 

The Writing on the Wall

The Writing On The Wall

Getting hooked on dope was easy. It only took one time. One moment. One escape. One feeling. Getting sober was just as easy. It only took one decision. One moment. One step.  Staying clean is another story.  It takes every breath every decision every moment. All my energy and finaly I see the writing on the wall I cant do it alone.

Do you know why roach motels are so effective at killing cockroaches. Not because the roaches die instantly because they don’t but because the poisen that kills them is so darn satisfying to the roach. They get high. They get hooked and they can’t leave. They begin eating the very thing that is killing them and they enjoy every second of their death.  I liken meth addiction coke addiction heroin addiction porn addiction alchohol and self addiction to just that.  Its not the desire to live we lack it’s the strength to stay alive.  We can’t do this on our own.  I know from first hand experience I need to draw from the strength of others who have been there and left. And stayed gone.

I did a search recently on google to find a celebrate recovery group in Phoenix to attend. Nothing not one website not one publication no blog no calendar. Not one thing. AA NA and CMA all secular recovery groups who for all their good and intentions are basically new age in philosophy (the concept of anything being your higher power) are all over the web.  It was extremely frustrating to me. I even decided I would go to Amazon and find the celebrate recovery work book…I found a lot of stuff but nothing clearly marked and the descriptions were vague at best. My wife and I drove to the local Christian Bookstore searching for this workbook  I know exists because I was given one 3 yrs ago never used it and gave it away but just the same. Nothing no dice. Not even at the Christian bookstore filled with self help books ….every preacher in the US has a book on manhood….diet books ….books on prosperity and how to be filled with the Holy Spirit. books on tithing and yet the single most important topic that all Christians actually need because we all have bad habits aka addictions, is not there. It made me ask my self why? Why is this book or ones like it if they exist not on the front of every bookshelf. Simple. The answer is because it won’t make money? Why? Because only people desperate for recovery and health would actually buy it. The very fact I am writing about this is a red flag to most that I must have relapsed. The very fact I was looking for a meeting after yrs of trying this the TBN way is an admission by proxy.

I can’t and won’t suffer in silence when my healing and recovery depend on my mouth asking for help.  I eventually found a meeting. I eventually will get a book. And I am convinced even though salvation occurred all at once that there are somethings that God allows us to endure to display his strength. It costs something. It did not come cheap. It took a life.

Things were going smooth. My marriage was and is intact. My job going well. Everything just humming along. Then bam out of the blue the preverbal stuff hit the fan. And all of my shortcomings started being displayed on the front page of the David times. Not that anyone actually cares most rational stable people are too concerned with their own to worry about mine. But it took a tole on me. Things got said. Things were done. And what I do is not to be scapegoat on anything but my mind had already taken a trip back to Egypt and dammit it was good. So mentally I stayed. Then I went there in the flesh.

Sitting in the mental ward of the hospital after drug induced psychosis finally ended I realized. I have nobody to talk to about this stuff. I don’t know of anyone in the Church I attend who is going through this or has gone through this. Well I do but honestly I can’t stand fake spirituality and phony catchphrases so I tend to veer away from them.  And I am not possessed with daemons’ so the guy who is compassionate but always likes to cast out daemons’ and lay hands on you (this goes on all the time) is not a good source for encouragement.  Sorry I got to vent this but most of us Christians need to stop watching TV church and me included need to read the only self help book that works (the bible). Nothing against other books Matthew Barnett wrote a great book. Edwin Louis Cole wrote a series of great books. There are great authors but none of these people ever intended their books to be read more then HIS book. Yet we have this happening. What spawns from this is guys like my one friend who over spiritualize things and categorize you as demon possessed and due to the fact they don’t read the bible and just listen to other people talk about it they freak people out or turn them off. The Holy Ghost and the devil can’t dwell or live in the same house.

Back to my hospital situation….what do I do. Well therapy and counseling right off the jump are number1. And to find someone to share my experience and yes my reoccurring cravings with are a must.  I will eventually get to a place in life where the cravings will go away. I will eventually find my stride in recovery that is not based on emotion or how other people receive me. I am an approval junky. I can’t stand rejection.  I am not good with confrontation…not even as a Christian have I seen confrontation modeled correctly. people get offended people withhold forgiveness and when they give it its on their terms not Gods. And we in the Church are horrible at loving each other…We preach come as you are and are great at loving people into the body but as soon as we get them we condemn them right back out.  I think we weigh sin so horribly. My sin is not as bad as your sin. Your sin is gross. My sin is socially acceptable. This goes back at a lack of Gods word not just being read but in our hearts.

I am on a mission but this mission is not to change the world today. Its to change David today. To become the best me I can become. All the things that are outside of me are not mine to change. DADDY SEES ALL it will be ok.

This may or may not be my last entry. I need to take some time to get things straightened out with me. If you have read any of my writings and have been blessed by them share them. I never wrote anything for a self promotion or for profit. I was just trying to find my place in the body and be used there.  Emphasis on the word trying. By trying I was wrong. A hand doesn’t have to try to be a hand it just is. All it has to do is be itself.  So after all this time 3.5 yrs of trying. I realize I still don’t know myself.  Where do I fit in in the body. What part of the body do I belong to. Now from now on I am done trying. I am going to give something a shot. I am going to just be myself. I am going to just find me and be me.  Daddy Sees All …was words I thought were etched on a wall one time…now I know they were words etched into my heart. Daddy Sees all changed my perspective of God. Daddy wants us to know that he loves us despite all that He sees. He sees our sins but he sees our hurts too. He sees All.