the day my life ended and the new beginning

The Day My life Ended

            Worn-out, tired, exhausted, and hopeless filled with fear , were just a few of the

words that  would describe the way I felt the night I decided to use Chrystal Meth.

Divorce is a living hell for everyone involved. I can tell you for certain that even in the

best divorce there are no winners. 66% of all marriages end up in divorce in our country.

In a marriage kids are born out of love to unify the husband and wife. In a divorce the

children become weapons of mass destruction and judges decide who get the kids and for

what length of time. In a marriage people have children and don’t count the cost. In a

divorce every penny is weighed every item priced and the kids are assigned dollar igures.

            Regrets, we all have them what if I only did this. What if I never did this. The one

thing I learned about marriage the first time around is nobody actually knows anything

until they are right smack in the one they have. It is a beautiful example of  baptism by

fire. There are mistakes made that cause divorce then the mistakes made

during the divorce. It too is something that nobody can speak to another about till they go

through it themselves and like marriage non of them are the exact same. I remember

sitting alone on some grass in a park asking God to kill me and take me off this planet the

day I got news my divorce was immanent. I remember the words clear as a bell, “David I

met someone two weeks ago , I love him and I am going to spend the rest of my life with

him.” My heart was ripped out of my chest and it was in her hands pumping like a Bruce                                                                                                           

Lee movie. I was by far not a great husband but I loved my wife.  There was not one fiber                                                                                                                 

of being in my life that did not love her and crave her. I made a ton of mistakes that led

up to this decision that she made to have an affair. I am not letting her off the hook for er

choices but lets face it there were some things that turned out real ugly that might have

contributed to her looking elsewhere for her identity, security and love. For her on that

day it was a new beginning. For me hell and torment were just beginning.

            It was the summer of 2005. Sunny slope in a halfway house, or a biker flop house.

The environment of the house was extremely drug friendly. There was somebody

everyday there buying and using drugs. Fast Eddie was the house manager. He told me

the day I moved , he said,” Don’t get the cops called that’s the only rule, other then that I

have no rules.” I cannot believe I still I stayed. I did not plan on being there long .One

month turned into two . Two months turned into three. Before I knew it I was there 5

months. Over time I began to notice the people in the house seemed to not have a care in

the world. Every day the mad scramble was only for where were they going to come up

with 40 bucks between them to get high. And the cares of my world were crashing all

around me. I actually envied them. It was common to be walking through the house and

be offered meth. Sometimes there would be 10-15 people in the house all with their eyes

bugged out, and nose running talking fast. There was Porn on every tv and people

discussed things like masturbation very freely.

            On this particular evening I was really down. There were nightmares that were

creeping into my daily routine. My work performance was suffering, and honestly I was

just tired of being depressed and wanted to experience some happiness. A guy in the

house came in my room and poured out what looked like an awe full lot of stuff. My

mirror was off my wall and was taking up my whole bed. His hands were extremely

sweaty his hair was greasy greasy and his voice was cracking while he spoke to me. It was obvious to me he was already high. I remember thinking while he crushed the dope on the mirror and created four lines  that I hoped and prayed I would not end up like him.

Unshowerd unshaved dirty and with a ton of involuntary body movements. He herked and jerked and twitched his neck and would not stop chewing his bottom lip.

            Looking back at the situation there was no passion there was no natural draw there was no craving. I for all intensive purposes did not care if I got high or did not get high. I did not care for the ability my roommates had of not caring about hygiene or missing teeth. I viewed myself as very strong minded. I had overcome a lot already in life. Being hit by a car, molested, being kicked out of my parents house at 15 and forced out on my own, alcoholism and a failed business. Now this divorce too. I had kind of wrapped myself into a victims mentality where things just kept happening to me in my mind but I was able to overcome them. This also gave me the false confidence that I was going to be able to manage the use or lack of use of  meth, BECAUSE I WAS DIFFERETNT. Those were the words that I went into this moment in time saying to myself. I AM DIFFERENT. I grew up around drugs. I watched my father waist his life with a straw in his nose. I watched completely straight men grow boobs and dress like women and become actual prostitutes to get dope. The environment of my childhood was not much different then this house. That is probably why I felt so comfortable there.                                                                                                                

“It’s your turn superman“. “Batter up.” I can imagine those words being said by

the devil as I put the straw to my nose. The edges were sharp and it cut me as I put it in

my nose. I placed my finger on one side of my nose the straw in the other and took a deep

breath through the straw. I watched the meth disappear rapidly Then I felt the most

excruciating pain and burn I have ever felt in my life. It was like somebody took a lit

match and stuffed it up nose and walked off, and the fire would not be put out. I instantly

had tears just running from my eyes. I looked up and this guy was laughing his ass off at

me. He screamed,” YES !!!!!” Over and over again.  Still I felt nothing and  thought what

a joke. But within seconds my body began to get hot. I am not talking about a hot like a

summers day but hot like WOW I need an ice bath. I could feel the hair on my body as if

it were growing.  The air conditioner was on and the breeze was an incredible feeling not

because it was cool but it brought a sensation over my body that was intense. My mind

was racing I could not focus. I said to the guy. I need you to go now. Then I proceeded to

talk to him for the next hour without taking a breath.

            I was alone in my room high as akite for the first time I blinked it was 2 am I

blinked again and it was 815. I was supposed to be at work at 830. What would I do?

Everyone would know I was high . I would get fired if I went to work like this. I know, I

will call in sick. I have never missed a day of work and nobody will suspect anything . I

will spend the day coming down and go to work tomorrow. On that day my life ended I

never returned to work. A month later I was living homeless eating in food lines.  I had

taken a two yr hiatus from life. And the only thing that anyone could count of from me was that at some point in time I was going to get high during the day. My problems oh

yea those. I escaped them. Without conscience at first. But when I returned to life there

they were. Child support now 20,000 in the hole ..unpaid fines. I weighed 100 pounds                                                                                                            

barely and the voices and nightmares that I once heard while sleeping found there way I

into my life regardless. That was the worst day of my life. On that day my life ended.

            Our lives are about consequences and rewards and those are constructed by our

personal choices. I am so glad to say the story of my life did not end there. Yes it is true

that I spent  2,5 yrs as a homeless man. I have eaten out of dumpsters. I have bathed in

toilets. I have spent nights inside the theaters of adult bookstores just to stay warm and

safe. My life on drugs was a huge disaster but one that today I am so glad I have

experienced on many levels.   On May 17^th 2007 I gave my life to Jesus Christ and I made the right choice for the first time in my life to get help with my problems instead of trying to solve it alone. I entered the Phoenix Dreamcenter. That is where my healing began. I would like to share with you that it is not necessary for you to have to go through what I went through to appreciate your life you don’t ever have to do drugs not even once. A good friend once told me that wisdom is not just knowledge applied it is also knowledge learned through the experiences of others.  My road to recovery has been very difficult laced with relapse and craving. Sometimes I wake up at night and just feel so guilty or ashamed. These are the long-term consequences of my using  drugs just once, but I will tell you this I would not trade anything in the world for what I have today. I am married to an amazing woman who loves me and accepts me just the way I am. All screwed up at times . I have a support system of the worlds greatest friends. Yes!!!!                                                                                                   

            For me it’s all about hope and faith, and where I put it. It is never about me.  Life

is surely going to kick me in the pants again someday. That is apart of  living. And I am

sure going to make some mistakes and let some people down. That too is apart of living.

The point is I am living and I can’t expect to do great things and have great success if I

am not willing to endure the parts of life that are ugly. The next most important thing  I

have in my life today is a vision. A proverb says where there is no vision people parish.

Today I have vision. I have direction . I have goals and they are healthy goals and God

has placed me with the most amazing people to share those dreams and goals with.  So

for me today I keep it simple. Have and love great friends. Have extreme faith that is odd

to others. And lastly for me to stay successful at staying off of drugs I have to have vision

and people to share it with. God bless.

identity theft

Identity Theft

         

          The statistics are alarming. The damages are staggering. Identity theft is an epidemic from social security numbers to mortgages on houses. From names and drivers licenses to fortune 500 companies. From Wall Street to the suburbs. There is not one section of our country that identity theft has not affected. There is not one person that it has not affected either. The consequences for offenders are time in jail. But the consequences are carried by society by everyone. The prices of goods and services are affected. The decisions of the consumers are effected. With the confidence of the consumers the lenders and the sellers damaged it has played a huge roll in the down turn of our economy.  Here are some numbers. Recent identity theft statistics released by the FBI claims that 9.91 million Americans were identity theft victims and have experienced losses totaling $52.6 billion.

          Becoming someone else was never an ambition of mine. I mean in my dreams I was handsome successful popular and I was me. Where did it start? Truthfully I don’t know. I do remember a moment as a child where I was watching Randal Cunningham play on Monday night football and I remember He just signed what was at the time the richest contract ever with the Eagles and was considered by every expert the greatest athlete to ever play. He was at the peak of fame and popularity and I looked at my father and said Dad I wish I was him. Not Dad I want to be like him. I said Dad I wish I was him. I remember there were days as a kid were I would daydream about being someone else even in my family. I have this cousin his name is Chris. Chris was an incredible athlete. The chicks loved Chris. Every where he went people flocked too Chris and it appeared he was having a great life. Chris ran away from home sometime around 15 and never returned. I never knew why but I remember laying in my bed saying man what a dummy. I would play the scenario out in my mind that my life and his switched and how nice it would be to have both your mom and dad. How awesome it would be to have parents who were not on drugs. How cool it would be to have a bike that was not owned ten times already. To have cloths that was clean to wear to school. To have a coat period.  See to want to be Randall Cunningham is almost acceptable because he was like a super hero to me. But to fantasize about being my cousin and having his parents and his life is bizarre.

          Fast forward to my senior yr in high school. I am a bench player on the 4^th ranked basketball team in the state. My team was good. But unfortunately I was not. And man it did not matter how hard I worked. I would shoot for hours and hours. The guy who started ahead of me was Glenn McCloud. A gifted point guard all state recruited by schools in the Pac 10 and big 12 as well as the WAC and the list goes on. He was just around 6 foot tall and smooth. And this guy could shoot the rock. Well after the season was over our coach gave us all a highlight film of the yr. I watched it but I was only in like 2 plays so I did not really care about it too much.  Well one day I walked into my science class and there it was being played. Mr. Jacobs had put it on and for the class that day we were going to watch the highlights of my team that yr. Now Mr. Jacobs was one of my biggest supporters in life. He loved me and really encouraged me and rooted me on academically and made several exceptions in attendance and for my grades to keep me on the team. So to him my success was his success. Problem was I was not very successful. Anyways to make a long story short Mr. Jacobs actually thought all the plays with Glen in them were me. I was shocked at first and I wanted to say something but the other kids in the class were like gosh David I had no idea you were that good. There was even a guy on the team in the room who said Wow I don’t remember you playing that much nice job.  There compliments made me feel good.  I felt confident. And honestly I just felt like no harm no foul.  Mr. Jacobs felt proud of me the class respected me and nobody would ever know any better. That night I went home I put my tape in and I watched it and sure enough as clear as day anyone would mistake me for Glenn. So I got this idea I would send this tape to my dad and not say anything. Man I wanted my dad to be proud of me so so so bad. Not having him be apart of my life for those last three yrs was very difficult for me to endure. So I wanted to impress my father. So I sent him that tape under the presumption that the kid in all the highlights was me. On that day I committed my first identity theft. I became a fraud. Becoming someone else was not my ambition remember I had my own dreams goals and desires. But on that day I gave all them up for someone else’s. The cost of that decision and ramifications of that one decision would be felt for the next 25 yrs in my life. That decision set in motion the domino effect in my life. I would cheat here lie there and fudge on this over here. I blinked and one day I woke up to a wife who I married under the presumption that I was making 120,000 dollars a yr. I made good money but I did not like myself. I was not good enough. And just like in High school I worked harder then anyone at sales. And just like my mother used to tell me I wasn’t going to be good enough I had this boss who would constantly tear me down in private. I had months of great achievement followed by breakdown after breakdown. I was a binge drinker. I would make a lot of sales and disappear for a couple of weeks sometimes months.  Anyways the pressure to live up to a totally fake identity (not even someone else’s) was really making me crack. So I did it. I forged signatures. I forged checks. I re wrote contracts and I defrauded lenders. My lowest point has to be two ten dollar checks I tore out of my Cousin Cindy’s check book. One for gas the other for Dairy Queen. To this day I still owe 1500 dollars in fines for those two checks.

Eventually it all adds up. Eventually it all catches up. And eventually everyone has to pay the piper. My day had come. I could not take anymore. I cracked. I took a large check and forged it deposited it into the bank and withdrew all the cash and left town. All the stuff I did wrong. All the people I screwed over had gotten the best of me. I got on a bus running from life and responsibilities. I had no clue who I was I had no clue where I was going and for the first time in my life I was legitimately all alone.

The greatest toll of identity theft fell square on the shoulders of three little boys. Who were there everyday saying Daddy Daddy Daddy. They did not care how much money I made. They did not care about anything see I had an identity I was daddy.

Now let me say this again it was never my intention to be someone else. I had my own dreams my own goals my own desires. But that was long ago. I am not sure where the transfer took place but I am certain of one thing there was a transfer. I had transferred my identity for one of the devil. Everyone has an inner voice. Mine always said there’s no way your going to be able to do this. Mine always said your not good enough why bother.  I was just scared. I was so so so alone.  And I did not cope at all with my issues or ask for help.  I gave up before the game ever started. So I can tell you I had a huge roll to play in the epidemic. But the true identity that was stolen was more valuable then an Electrolux vacuum or a car I purchased on fake paystubs. The true identity that was stolen was the one in where David is good enough. Where David has a purpose. Where David has a vision and a plan and a direction in life. And yes David is father and a husband and a good one too. He is accepted and sure there are disappointments but today David knows who he is and where he is. Today David is a mighty man of God. What did it take to find that out. What was the cost. Well it took someone to give up their identity and accept mine. Mine as a fraud mine as a deadbeat father. Mine as an adulterer and a wife beater. Mine as a junky. Mine as thief and a crook. Jesus Christ stole my identity and gave me His.

I remember the words so vividly. My mother had decided for a month when I was ten I could stay with her. She took that opportunity to remind me that I would not amount to anything that I was just like my father and he was a piece of you know what. I was ten and I just wanted to play little league that summer. And I was really good. But that was not acceptable. So she told me I was wasting my time. That I should be home cleaning the house and doing more chores washing dishes. Now don’t get me wrong chores are fine. But so is healthy competition. So is learning how to win and yes so is learning how to lose and accept failure and still know its ok.

 Fast forward to Day One of my recovery.  For the first time I hear that inner voice tell me something. It said good job. You did the right thing. It said I love you. It said it’s going to be ok.  It said abide in Me and I in you. It said I accept you just the way you are. Dirty messed up on drugs full of nasty thoughts from porn. It said I chose you from the foundations of the Earth and David you are my son and I love you. My intentions were not to ever become somebody else. Remember I had my own dreams my own goals my own desires. And my inner voice said lay them down and take mine. And I did. I successfully pulled of the greatest identity theft ever on that day and the consequences are felt my three boys who are once again apart of their daddy’s life and he is theirs. Whose wife is glad to see her husband every day.  And has a church that loves and adores him.  I am hid in Christ.

The road is difficult and it is not an easy road.  On each side of the road is the enemy and he is waiting for me to veer off . Waiting there lurking in the shadows and in the bushes to ambush me. The enemy wants to steal my identity again. Only this time I have nothing to prove. I only have to keep walking not looking to the right or the left. Just knowing I am on that lit path and the light that lights the path is shining from inside me. I know who I am today. I am a mighty man of God. 

recovery day 1

Recovery: Day 1

By:David Freeman

        Recovery is a war. It is to be fought with extreme intensity. Losing is not an option. Recovery is not sobriety. Sobriety can be achieved without any recovery what so ever. But to get recovery you must have sobriety completely and utterly. Sobriety is a stage of recovery but it does not end there. The people on the journey of recovery are on a mission to not just exist but gain back what was lost. One slip up one mistake one moment of loss of focus can send the person on the path of recovery spiraling back to the place they started from. Just happy to be alive or worse yet begging for the chance to stay alive.  I have experienced this kind of set back so I can personally attest to how pathetic it is to be back at square one. However better to be back at square one licking the wounds then to be dead.

        This war for me is really life or death. Heaven or Hell. Life and Life more abundantly or destruction and disaster with no mercy.  This war has an enemy, it has a face. It will not die easy. It will not go away without a fight. See the enemy has a strategy. The enemy has a vision a plan. It’s called divide and conquer. Kill steal and destroy.

        I was thrown into battle on May 17^th 2007.  That is the day I enlisted into the military of our King Jesus.  I had no clue how I got to the point of calling out to Him. The series of events that transpired in my life that sent me on the path to be on the corner of 19^th ave and northern in phoenix Arizona are foggy to me.  All I can remember is being really screwed up. So screwed up that I weighed barely and I mean barely 100 pounds.  I had not showered in a good two weeks. I occasionally slept outside. I was what you would call an urban camper. I ate out of dumpsters at times. However food was never never never the main objective for my day.  Chrystal meth amphetamines was. Pornography was a huge necessity. Infact I actually believe my porn addiction was only rivaled by my meth addiction. Not the other way around.  My addiction to sex and porn led me to places of complete abuse by self and others then isolation and determination of the brain. Total degregation. I had completely given my self over to every sexual deviation known to man that been within the bounds of my moral standard. Which was very wide. 18 and up and human were my main criteria and of course I needed dope at this point to function sexually.  Basically my depravity knew no boundaries. I was a complete junky. In every sense of the word. Still here I was on this street corner asking God to rescue me. Not to throw me away. I was asking for a miracle. On that day my life changed forever.

        I don’t remember the first time I ever did drugs. That is the truth. I don’t remember. I know it was around the time I turned two. My uncles and my father were well wild and crazy. They used to place a sack or a gas mask on me and fill it with pot smoke. I liked it too. I began asking them to do it all the time. I had this bird named Woodstock. My father and uncle would take his cage and go under the kitchen table put a big comforter over the table I mean this blanket was huge it touched the floor on all sides. And we would all sit under the table and blanket and smoke pot and get my bird stoned. I was like 3 at the time. Drugs were a staple in my life forever. They were the only thing constant. Everything else was very fluid. Where I lived. Who my step mothers were. What school I attended. Who my friends were. There was one thing constant that I was aware of that was drugs. From weed to speed . From shrumes to booze. It was all there. And I did it all.  I thought it was the coolest and funniest thing in the world. I used to tell people my daddy gets me high and laugh like it was funny. Looking back I kind of wonder why nobody did anything. I mean I told everyone. By the time I was 4 I knew how to roll joints load a bong. Weigh stuff out with a triple beam.  I knew what tie stick was skunk bud was and Maui wowi. I knew what cross tops were, and black widows too. I knew what grew on cow patties and to this day the sight of mushrooms makes me think of poop so bad that I won’t touch them.

          I had no pictures of my mother so I remember imagining to myself that the ladies naked in the pictures could be my mom.  There was nothing erotic about these images to me. But I do believe they planted a seed in my life that would grow and reap a harvest later on. Without a mother to show me otherwise I began forming opinions about woman right or wrong I did so based on the pictures I was being exposed to.

        It is my opinion and understand I am not a doctor or a psychologist. This is just my observation.  That those 3 events that took place simultaneously my mom leaving getting high and my exposure to porn are the three most critical things that set me on a path of surrender on that spring day in May of 07. So today I can say to you this Praise God. Those three things I did not ask for. I had no control over.  And they consumed me like a raging fire for my whole life.  What I have learned since that day in May. Is that it is not what happens to you that destroys you. It’s how you respond or react to it.  I had no clue the choice was mine. I honestly believed I was just a person who was doomed to failure. And doomed to repeat the same things over and over again.  The foundation of my life and everything that made it up was completely and utterly negative. Everyone and everything I had ever put faith in let me down and or abandoned me completely. Or so I thought anyways. 

        Looking back at that day there was a lot of stuff going on in my mind.  I lived in a perpetual state of insanity. There were audible voices of people who actually existed in my life at one time or another. I would hear them and turn my head expecting to see them. Or at other times I would walk for miles looking for them. There were the hallucinations.  You know I could kind of cope with the sounds that were imaginary. But the visuals were unbearable. Its one thing to not trust what you hear, but to not be able to trust what you see is incomprehensible. I mean I seen it right it has to be real. NOPE.  I began to discount everything I saw. It was all fake. Just another hallucination.  Knowing your crazy and remembering the days of when you weren’t sucks. I sunk into severe depression. To the point where I began to imagine my death. I did not respect my own life anymore. I would knowingly use dirty needles and rip people off who could kill me for no reason. So looking back at that day. I know in my heart I was making my last cry for help.  I had tried going to jail. I had tried mental hospitals. I had tried it all. But never in my life had I actually given Jesus a license to change me over.  I just wanted to live. What I mean by that is to live life is to do more then exist. To live life is to know what is real from fake to face challenges and over come obsticles and for once and for all I wanted the chance to achieve some real success.  On that day the voices stopped completely the visions ended. I was still homeless. My physical situation remained the same. But on that day I began my road to recovery. Thank you Jesus!!!!

        The first day of anything is the hardest day of all. The first step anywhere is the most difficult step to face. My story is not one bit unique. Infact it is mild compared to yours perhaps. The one common thread that everyone on this earth has is we all had to take our first step. We all had to begin somewhere. And no matter where our walk begin in the gutter or in a penthouse that first step is the most difficult to make. Can you imagine Adam in the garden. Hearing Gods voice call to Him. How difficult it had to be to take that first step out from behind the bush. The question I have for you is this. Have you gotten past day one? Have you begun to take that second step?

        I want you to know something about yourself. I want you to search your heart as you read. I want you to read the this chapter again but instead of reading my story replace it with yours. And when you are done I want you to close your eyes and say to yourself and God. These 5 words. I am not a victim.    I want you to understand this. The world does not owe anyone anything. The world does not owe an apology. Even though there are several events in our lives that we feel we are entitled to one. You can wait around for it for yrs and never get one. Do not do that. Trust me it won’t do you any good. Also right now on day one purpose in your heart to stay away from sympathy. We do not need people to feel sorry for us. We need action. We need a vision. We need to deal with our end of things from this point on. It is great to reflect on the things that we have been through. But it is horrible to live there again. God did not save us to live in the past but to press to our future. He has a great destiny in store for all of us. Nothing and nobody is insignificant in His eyes. Press on.  Lets Go you can do it.  You are not a victim. Do not live like one. More then a conqueror. Above and not beneath. The Head not the tail. Right now and possibly at different times it will be hard to see what you really are. Other people won’t recognize this either. But you must confess this daily. And right now take your chin from your chest and position it squarely in front of you. And show people your teeth. Smile.  Grace and Love to whoever is reading this.

         

By David H. Freeman Jr. 

Daddy Sees Al

Daddy Sees All

A story about redemption and love

Introduction:

Sometimes if I close my eyes I am in a room and all I can smell is the raw flame and butane mixed with brillo and crack cocaine. I never got into it much but I know it all too well it has been a constant fixture in or around my life ever since I can remember. There are other smells in the room once you get used to it. The scent of illicit sex, fornication, prostitution, pimpin and pandering, the smells of dried up lubrication stuck to the bottom of my shoes. If I stay there long enough I will smell the scent of violence, brutality, assaults with no cause rhyme or reason just pain being inflicted and blood being spilled. I can hear the cries of children who have been left for dead, mothers and wives who have been thrown away like three day old garbage with no draw string...just everywhere...I definitely hear gun shots , but the most chilling sound I hear is the sound of the fist hitting the flesh square on. Pure hatred. Even as I write this tears still form in my eyes over this room…you see I once was trapped inside this room with no way out. Stuck on stupid froze like an ice burg . Oh many people tried to unlock the door to get me out only to intern get trapped themselves .  Daddy sees all . Daddy sees all . Daddy sees all. It will be ok . Are the words etched into the wall . Everywhere I look I see these words . Daddy sees all. It will be Ok.  The walls in this room are black . And it’s been painted over and over again to hide the words. But in just the right light the words show forth bigger and bigger.  There is holes everywhere in the room little holes big holes . Some where natural crevices that turned into large caverns over time and wear and tear . Then some were violently deliberately placed there . The torn dry wall that only a true crafts man or carpenter can fix. Daddy sees all. It will be Ok.

Letting go of this past is sometimes hard to do. Because as sick as it sounds there was a sense of comfort there in that room. There was a consistency in the chaos . We (all who have lived in the room) knew what to expect from the things in the room . From the drugs to the porn . From the whiskey to the rage.  I learned how to deal with hangovers comedowns . To an outsider looking in that room should not be hard to leave behind but for a guy like me it was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. See I had found a place where nobody could hurt me . No wife could leave me . No mother could tell me I would not amount to anything. No father could abandon me . And no cousin would molest me . In total isolation I became a man with no job to quit. No bills to pay. No children to take care of .(though they never left my mind ever). No wife to answer to. And no religious rules to follow. Complete isolation . Nobody could hurt me . And I could no longer hurt them. There was a moment in time in that room . I thought I was free but what I entered into was complete bondage.I think it was when the first time I ever saw my own blood get sucked into a syringe and I knew I hit the vein and I watched it mix with the drugs and I pushed it back into my body . There was nothing more exhilarating . It was completely erotic.  My mother could have been sitting next to me . My kids could have been calling my name . Nothing mattered I would not have cared. I had become numb to pain and dead to societies problems. More importantly I had escaped my own. I had found a place of complete isolation .

The noises if I could only have kept the noises from getting in. Kids on a playground. Then there were the cries of pain I would here from a woman every time I would watch porn. Man it was annoying at first. Then just freaking sick and weird. Where is the woman . Who is she . Why is she crying . DADDY SEES ALL. I wondered what does that mean. IT WILL BE OK.  To the person who has not experienced insanity on this level. The message is clear don’t ever do drugs not even one time for fun. There is no escape that is equal to the price you pay for the time away. Stand up face your problems today. Forgive who you need to forgive now . Move on in peace and love today. To the man or woman who has experienced this insanity and still won’t let go…Who is in that room. You can get out . The door is not locked. No pain can hold you. No crime can keep you. You are loved and if nobody on this planet gets it I do.  I want you to know DADDY SEES ALL. IT WILL BE OK.