SHALOM

SHALOM

Sweats, chills, shortness of breath, light headedness , dizziness, lack of focus, lost sleep, memories and images of long ago. My attitude sucks I am grumpy irritable and want to isolate myself and be alone. I am becoming somewhat paranoid. Having delusional thoughts from time to time. As much as I try to fight them off they seem to make sense in all this. I have been going through this escapade for some time now. This is what I would call a colossal craving.

I am not one to make excuses nobody did this to me. I did this to myself. This is the price you pay when you think you can do drugs even one time and quit anytime you feel like it.  I have been fighting this addiction from relapse to relapse with one goal in mind to only fight it from craving to craving. Today is graduation day I guess huh. I have never in my life ever resisted anything this powerfull. Anyone who tells you that methamphetamines is not addictive is a liar. That was a myth I used to prescribe to. Yet look where I always end up when I use.  Last time I used I took pictures of a wall with my phone because I honestly thought there was writing on the wall for me and I wanted to prove I was not hallucinating …only I was hallucinating . I have blacked out several times lost lots of time that I cant account for. And this is me saying how lucky I am to maybe not remember anything.

Today I went to work I kept my job I preformed at a high level and still my mind was obsessed. This is not a plea for sympathy it’s a fact read this share this with your kids if you do drugs you might die. But for certain if you do drugs you will have to eventually go through exactly what I am going through. Its not a joke its not something to be taken lightly.  This is a regular battle that I placed my self in.

The most difficult thing I have to do in life is the simplest thing that I once did. Stay Sober. Once you cross the threshold of sobriety to insanity even once you will never be the same. Your life is forever altered and changed and there is nothing you can do about. But endure. Statistically speaking getting clean for the rest of your life would be an abnormality. Recovery from meth has a 98% failure rate. That saying that only 2% of people like me actually make it without using again.  I honestly don’t know anyone I have ever met who used meth even once who has ever maintained sobriety.

Sometimes the most effective thing you can do is hold on and pray cry and speak to the Lord. Its my sin that brought this on so Its my sin that is breaking my heart. I am just thankful today to be forgiven and justified and hid in Christ.  I am so thankful for the life the wife the job and the friends God has given me…what is so sad is in a moment with a lost focus I would throw it all away.  I am just being real here because I think for once someone has to. There is so many questions. I get an inbox message at least once a week with someone asking me how they can get clean stay clean or help a family member or friend. I can’t fake this any longer the truth is I don’t know. The only thing that I have found that works for me is putting myself on blast to my wife (who always loves and accepts me) to journal like I am now or to a good friend. There is something about confessing my weakness that takes the sting away from the enemies darts. But honestly people there is no fancy formula…If there was and I knew it I would not have went through what I went through this week.

We can say a lot of things in our testimonies. Look I grew up around drugs. I watched my loved ones do drugs and did drugs with them. I have sold drugs I have associated with almost every kinda of scum you can imagine and at one time I was that scum. I am no victom. None of us are. This is where in the boat storm raging rather then God calling out to stop the storm I am choosing to draw out and receive His peace. He did say get in the boat lets journey to the other side. And I am going to grit my teeth and endure this. I want what HE has for me on that other side. It aint a beauty pagent its life and I am in it for good. It might look ugly to someone out there but I hope my ugly can help atleast one person not do drugs. Thanks for reading this and caring about my life. Shalom