Accepting

        I remember the moment I cried out. Where I got it. When I knew exactly what the decisions of my life had done not just to me but to people around me. I remember my day of AWAKENING!!! The day when I was faced with lifes hard facts. As much as I wanted to believe there was something good and redeemable about me, it was that moment I realized there wasn’t and the choices I made on my best days destroyed everything good I knew and would kill me if I did not change. It was that day I surrendered to the Lord. When you know you should be dead already. When you are homeless. When you are dirty. When you know the voices in your head the audible ones aren’t real 90% of the time. When the last time you bathed your feet not your body was in a burger king toilet. You realize you have no more bargaining chips. That’s when life gets real. My Prayer was so simple back then. Lord change me. Lord forgive me. Lord fix my mess cause I can’t. No promises to God no vending machine prayer. Just asking to borrow some time on earth with no collateral. No cosigner. Just the name of Jesus.

Since that day a lot of things have happened. Let me tell you. He fulfilled He changed He survived and He did every single thing I asked Him to do on that day. I have no complaints. My life is far better then good. It is amazing. But since that day my relationship with Him has been very luke warm at times. I discovered I was born with some talent some gifts and in those talents I stopped seeking Him for assistance in some of those. Since that day I have successfully pre empted the reading of His divine word and substituted it for the maligned word of Man aka Christian self help books. Some of which even anointed but I know this the authors of those books never intended them to take the place of the Word of God. Since that day I have paid attention I have been a model disciple and in doing so I learned that powerful phrases ..an onetime hallelujah can easily cover up for a lack of personal character and hidden sin. Since that day I learned that I could still be a street level con artist from the pews.  It is time to accept the fact that once again all of my best intentions all of my talents and all of my best decisions on my own lead straight to hell. In the last three yrs of my life I have learned a language that mirrors Christianity but have been marred and hampered because I have not learned the lifestyle.

Recently this changed. I had another awakening. I realized that even the stuff I did good in my insecurity I was trying to be recognized. Like the runt dog trying to get close enough to the tit but the bigger dog won’t let him in. How that dog cries outside the titted area until either the mamma kills him herself or someone else feeds it. FACT. Look at me notice me. I am good too. Accept me. People pleasing. Which leads to displeasing everyone anyways.

About a yr ago I got married. I thought I knew it all. I figured it was going to be a walk in the park. I did not consult a person around me for advise in fact I hid my marriage from the people who loved me most. Which in turn made an enemy out of my friends. And still I did not care. I am in love. And I want what I want. Unemployed haven’t had a job in five yrs. Clean from my last relapse maybe six months I mad a choice. I made a choice without realizing it that I was going to take responsibility for three peoples lives. Guide Guard Govern a family and provide for their needs. Now every morning I wake up I see how inadequate I am. How due to my own fault and past mistakes. That if God doesn’t do something supernatural my family won’t survive the winter with heat on. I am utterly dependant on Him. I think I am finally at the place God wants me to be in life. Where I set aside the religious requirements and say Lord I don’t need to speak in tongues to you because the name of Jesus is all I need to speak to you I don’t need to have a PhD or even a ged for that matter. I am your son and I remind you of your promise to Your son. And today I make a new declaration that my life won’t be determined by its circumstances. My destiny is not defined by my past. My success and my failure are no longer going to be subject to a mans approval. And today I will love everyone I come in contact with. Lord I don’t know what lays outside my door when I leave But you do. So you work that out for your glory. And today if I get some bad news. Today if I get great news. Let my life glorify YOUR NAME the same. Lord were all a mess. Me personally I don’t know the first thing about giving love. I know how to take it. But give it nope..thats sacrifice. I have been a habitual short cut taker. And today that stops. Today I accept responsibility.  Today I am blessed because you say I am. And today I am going to live like it. Today my life is yours thank you for giving me another three yrs on this planet. Thank you for my wife who loves me in my worst. Thank you for Cameron and Raven. Thank you for Joshua David and Isaac and the amazing gift of time you gave me with them this yr. You owe me nothing. Never have. But you still give me everything everyday. Thank you.