Confessions After Midnight

Confessions

After Midnight

          Let me preface this entry with some truth about me. Some things about David that not only will help me heal but hopefully encourage another person in my shoes.

          I am what “experts” in recovery programs call a “Chronic Relapser”. What that means is this. I am motivated by a clock in my head every six or so months sometimes just before I begin to have extreme cravings. Anyone who understands the mental draw to Chrystal Meth knows these cravings can become very intense. I have only ever managed a complete yr of sobriety 1 time. And let me just say in that yr I was constantly fantasizing about using meth again; almost daily.  So I would not even give that yr credit in sobriety because mentally I was toast. But ever since that first yr. I have managed to on queue relapse almost to the day at a 6 month mark. FACT!!!! This pattern in my life has cost me dearly each time. It cost me trust with my wife. (who has stuck by me faithfully) It cost me employment. It also cost me the ability to serve at my Church for an entire yr. (very painful). Here is the biggest thing it cost me. It cost me the confidence that when faced with this challenge I could overcome it. 3 yrs of the same thing same pattern over and over again leads to this. I am sure the drug dealer knows my pattern. I am sure Saten knows my pattern. I am sure everyone knows my pattern.

          This time I win!!!! After a long day of self induced arguments with my wife that actually was 2 days.  And 2 complete days of no sleep. A basketball game where my temper went astray and I got a tech.(though the ref blew the call badly in a close game at the end) hehehehe.  I have to tell the TRUTH!!! It is that time. This is the real game time for me. This is life or death!!! Doing drugs and going to the places a person has to go to acquire drugs isn’t risking a ministry. Isn’t risking a marriage.  Isn’t risking a job. Sure it is risking all those things. But honestly none of those are an issue if I am dead anyways. The trip to the dope man. The time in a seedy hotel locked away with a syringe could cost me my life!!! That is not even close to exaggerating.

          My mission is to plain and simple stay alive and stay sober this 6 month period. I want to see what’s on the other end of this time frame. What does God have in store. I believe I am delivered from addiction this does not eliminate that truth. And I want to be a Joshua and return with a good report that says We can enter into Cannon.  Yes there are giants in the hills but we can defeat them. I am not scared. I won’t be moved by fear. But I am motivated by the promise of God on my life that says He has hope and future for me. Thoughts of Good and not evil.

          This is where the rubber meets the road. God is so good just to give me another day on this planet. I don’t take anything for granted today. It’s all fragile. Very fragile.

          This is common to all people in recovery. Even Christians. Look on May17 2007 I quit smoking two packs a day of cigarettes and never looked back never struggled never had one withdrawal. Gods hand for sure. However for some divine purpose He has allowed me to endure this pattern in life and these cravings every six months. So let the truth be told…My life is not my own. I belong to Him and He decided I should feel this then lets get this thing on !!This is a consequence of using drugs one time let alone for what seems to be a lifetime.  It’s a small price to pay for so many amazing things to be in my life.  This is a great problem to have!!!

          If your reading this and you have been in recovery or need recovery. Your not alone. There are people like you and me who have experience love and faith for you to draw from. If your in the Phoenix area the Phoenix Dreamcenter is a great place to start.  That’s where it all started for me . Then there is the L.A. Dreamcenter. Ok Ok I am partial. There is also Teen Challenge and almost all Rescue Missions have programs. The bottom line is we cannot do this alone.  No we don’t have to be addicts our whole life or confess that garbage to each other and keep wearing grave cloths. But we do need to keep it real and not be too proud to say Hey tonight I am struggling with what ever your addiction is Porn Food Drugs or even just laziness.  The body of Christ is a large body use us. If your not comfortable with finding a place to heal on your own please email me freeman.david45@yahoo.com  We can do this together. We can take those giants on and enter Cannon!!!!